That Thing Called Love...

I truly, madly, deeply believe in true, mad and deep love. Before I delve into the myriad roads of our dear old emotion 'LOVE', just want all you readers to know that I am all of 17 and what you read is reflection of what I think now - not necessarily the way I am going to think life long. There is a favourite quote of mine by Albert Einstein, "How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" Its a favourite more so because I am not a Biology person myself. When a genius like Albert [I work in first name basis!] cannot or perhaps didn't dare to decipher the true definition of love, who on earth gives me the authority to define it? I guess its my dear, dear broken heart which gives me the authority.

Circa 21st December,2006. I realise and declare my teeny weeny crush for a guy in school. And its been more then two years and what I didn't realise is that my teeny weeny crush is not teeny weeny anymore...its a full blown love affair, wherein you guessed it right, I am truly madly deeply in love with the guy. The years which started of blissfully continued to be laden with bliss, till suddenly Mr. Trouble decided to show his incorrigible and unwanted face. The two year beautiful relationship came to a standstill, worse cause I was clueless about it. A month passed by with the bloody B-letter word [Break-up] staring at my face. Midnight tears, advices from close friends, resolutions to cry no more-think no more-keep smiling, efforts to gain back the confidence and most importantly attempts at making the 'thing' work once again. All passed and 'we' met up again after a hiatus of a month. We spoke, we decided, we cried, we dreamt, we smiled and... we did all this together. Friends can be lovers, but lovers can never be friends. We have decided to challenge that one.

Trust me, being just friends is what hurts the most. I hear him speak and I remember all those things he used to tell me. From being a useless tomboyish girl to being a hopeless romantic wasn't a tough one with him around. But going back to be the same, without him around, not that easy! What keeps going on within you is all those times you spend together, all those intimate moments you shared, all those innocent games you played, all those naughty jokes you cracked, all those cheesy lines you said, and all those things which were meant to be forever...for eternity. Everything starts to remind you of that person. Maybe first love is supposed to be like that. Its like a virtual reality game. Even when the game gets over, you still feel you are in it. You get addicted to it. It actually becomes your sole and soul reality. It is said that you remember your first love forever. I have pretty much come to hate the word 'forever' maybe forever. A person who captures your dreams and weaves them intertwined with his and promises to fulfil each of them forever, [There we go! Another 'forever' in place!] suddenly snatches his dreams away, leaving our own fabric of dream torn apart into shreds. Am I to feel so hurt forever?[!!!] I am definitely not the only one who goes through a break-up. I know that. But that doesn't help either. Just because there are many people suffering, doesn't reduce the pain.

What really amazes me the most in this time is that my heart goes through tremendous amount of juggling. For a moment it gives me the 'joy' of being single and ready to mingle. The other moment gives me the 'enthusiasm' of meeting new people each day. A moment finds me in an extremely pensive mood dipped in nostalgia. Another, discovers me within a dilemma about whether I must move on or 'live' with him forever![Ahem!] There aren't any rules or righteousness in emotions after all. But I am so confused about what I should be 'ideally' following.

Maybe I just truly madly deeply believe that I love him. Maybe I really do love him. Maybe I prefer the latter. Maybe I might laugh at this blog a few years or 'maybe' months later. Or maybe I will still cry thinking of the past. Maybe I will some day get over him. Or maybe I might live life long with his virtual presence. [Maybe I shouldn't use maybe's anymore] After this tremendous tryst with the most complex human emotion, I sometimes doubt my own love for him. Every time I doubt, I hear the wind whisper to me in his voice,"I love you so much." That's when I know, I am definitely truly madly deeply in love with him definitely for now and maybe forever...for eternity!